Bradford Pearson

Twilight of the Magical Truckmen: Rise of Megan Fox Nude

Ever watch Twilight and think, "Hey this pretty decent, but it needs some magic and nudity?"

How about Transformers?

"Awesome, butttt, could use some vampires. And nudity."

Well you're in luck! Brought to us by my friend Luke S., I present the trailer for "Twilight of the Magical Truckmen: Rise of Megan Fox Nude."

Completely safe for work, unless your work doesn't allow videos of men in bras.

Friday Funhouse: Donny Papermaker

Introducing.....Donny Papermaker. I, uh, just watch it...


I know Mr. Papermaker personally, so an interview may be in store in the near future. You can find Donny at www.makinpaper.com.

13 Word Review: Alien

Alien (1979)
Directed by Ridley Scott
Starring Sigourney Weaver

Holds up well for a 30 year old movie. Makes Weaver attractive. Somehow.

Up next in the Netflix queue: Fargo

The swine flu is coming, the swine flu is coming!

I knew this day would come, working in an office of my size. The swine is here.

Halloween party? CANCELLED

Office mates? OUT SICK

Increase in psychosomatic behavior? THROUGH THE ROOF

I left work early today because I had a headache. Was it from staring at my computer screen for six straight hours? Probably, but then again it could be swine.

I booked it out of the office, and on my way home I started thinking of the swine, and how much fun it could be for Weird Al:

Johnny Cash remakes!
“Because you’re mine, I’ll catch the swine”

Michael Jackson remakes!
“The Girl is Swine”

Random words that sound like “swine!”
“St. Valenswine’s Day”
“Walkin’ on Sunswine”
“One Swine Day”
“Swining and dining” (submitted by an ill co-worker)

The possibilities are endless (…hint)

A World Series preview, or, "Somewhere, a Cleveland Indians fan is crying"

Wednesday’s World Series Game 1 starter for the New York Yankees: 2007 American League Cy Young Award winner and former Cleveland Indian CC Sabathia


Wednesday’s World Series Game 1 starter for the Philadelphia Phillies: 2008 American League Cy Young Award winner and former Cleveland Indian Cliff Lee


Somewhere in Cleveland, a restless Fausto Carmona is crossing his fingers and hoping for a trade.
--

Now I realize this will alienate almost every single reader I have, but I could care less about this World Series. As a Red Sox fan, I don’t want the Yankees to win. As someone who spent four years living in Philadelphia, the last thing I’d want is for the folks of that city to have something else to gloat about.

Maybe I’ll just root for Joe Buck to not sound like a moron.

My Case For: How I Met Your Mother

Since 1990, NBC has had a lock on comedy. Of the 20 “Best Comedy Series” Emmys given since then, 13 have been NBC shows, four from CBS, two from Fox, and one from HBO.

And I’m usually an NBC apologist. Seinfeld is my favorite comedy of all-time (not exactly going out on a limb there) and 30 Rock and The Office have kept me laughing since they came on air. But I think it’s time for another show to get its due: How I Met Your Mother.

Wedged in between all the pointless drivel CBS puts out on a regular basis, HIMYM is like a defibrillator for a flat-line patient: its only chance.

Based on a kitschy premise (reread the show title), the show is mostly forgotten because, well, it’s on CBS. But give it a shot. It’s only a half-hour, at 8 p.m. They even show the episodes online for free.

If nothing else, watch it for Neil Patrick Harris. Left for dead after Doogie Howser, M.D., NPH has come back strong, taking excellent writing and making it incredible with his timing. Jason Segal is fantastic, and the rest of the cast compliment each other in a way that only 30 Rock currently rivals.

This season, it’s been funnier than both 30 Rock and The Office, and it’s been a down season for HIHYM.

If you need more incentive, since it’s on at 8 p.m., you can watch it, then flip over to Monday Night Football.

Halloween costume, unveiled

So earlier this month I asked ya'll to help me with my Halloween costume. Since K is going to be a moose, I decided (after a suggestion) that a hunter would be a good costume.

Then, this morning, I has an epiphany: Prince.

So today I will go on the hunt for a purple suit. Wish me luck.

Friday Funhouse: the one where DMX gets in a fistfight at a charity event

The headline pretty much says it all. There is some coarse language, but for the most part it's just X being X.

Holla to Titus for pointing this out.

StubHub, you suck

This is a copy of the e-mail I received from StubHub on Monday.

Get great seats to any Baltimore Orioles playoff game

Where do you want to sit?

Hey Bradford,

Be there alongside your Baltimore Orioles as they chase baseball immortality. Go to StubHub, where you’ll find a fantastic selection of tickets to every playoff game – so you experience the championship chase live and in person. Check it out. Go to StubHub and get the seats you want today.

A.) I'm not an Orioles fan. Just because I've bought tickets to Orioles games to see the Red Sox doesn't make me an Orioles fan.

B.) The last time I checked, THE ORIOLES AREN'T IN THE PLAYOFFS, AND HAVEN'T BEEN SINCE 1997.

So then, later in the day, I received this ditty.

Apologies from StubHub

Hi Bradford,

Earlier today, an email promoting Baltimore Orioles postseason tickets was sent to you. This, unfortunately, was a mistake. We regret the error and apologize for any inconvenience or confusion this may have caused.

Sincerely,

The StubHub Team

Thanks StubHub. But one more thing. Do you think ANYONE who would buy Orioles playoff tickets would've actually been confused by this e-mail?

Orioles fan #1: "Hey, did you get that stupid e-mail from StubHub?"

Orioles fan #2: "Yeah, I can't believe we made the playoffs! Finished with the worst record in the American League, and we still made it!"

Orioles fan #1: "I'm never speaking to you again."

Orioles fan #2: "Wait...what happened?"

Winner! of the Photo Caption Contest: wax Obama version

Per usual, many great suggestions. But the winner has to be BillFoxeveryone, for his stirring take on a Bill and Ted classic:

"Hi my name is Barack Obama and this is the rest of the band and together we are Wyld Stallyns!"

Bill, you may now select a prize.

Photo Caption Contest: wax Obama version

So I've had a few of these now, and the response is always good. Come up with a clever caption or quote, win a prize. YOU name the prize. The cap is $1 million worth of goods or services. Or something I already own that you may like.

Winner announced Wednesday. Good luck.

My Case For: "Party in the U.S.A."

During my road trip this summer, my cohorts and I latched onto Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb” as some sort of anthem. I was stunned that I liked a Miley Cyrus song, and attributed it to our incredible intake of grease and sugar.

Then in August I heard “Party in the U.S.A.,” and I was hooked.

On it’s face, this song sucks. It’s about a girl moving from Nashville to Los Angeles, and uses the word “tummy” on multiple occasions.

Yet there’s something about it. The chorus is tight, it’s not as bubble-gum as most of Miley’s other songs, and it name checks Jay-Z. Cyrus also keeps some of her country roots intact, but in an accessible, non-Dixie Chicks kind of way.

So I started looking into it some more. It was written by the same guy who wrote “Since U Been Gone,” hands-down the best pop song of the last decade, and wasn’t even released on Cyrus’ album. In a totally 21st century move, the song was released by Walmart to market Cyrus’ new clothing line. Which, in a way, is kind of cool.

Record sales will never again be what they were, so why bother fighting it? “Party in the U.S.A.” is not only a great pop song, it also signifies the end of one musical era, and the beginning of the next.

Oh, and there was also the incredibly sexual performance of the song during the Teen Choice Awards, which, yes, I was watching. It was incredibly uncomfortable, but eventually ingrained the song in my head. A 16 year old should not be on a stripper pole. Period.

13 Word Review: Stripes

Stripes (1981)
Directed by Ivan Reitman
Starring Bill Murray and Harold Ramis

Everything Murray touched in the 80s turned gold. And that's a fact, Jack.

Up next in the Netflix queue: Alien

Friday Funhouse: Zombieland

This is not an option, this is an order: go see Zombieland. Run, jump, drive, rollerblade, whatever, just get to the theater.



And, because I loved it so much, a bonus 13 Word Review!

Gives "Shaun of the Dead" run for best zom-com. Though technically a zom-rom-com.

Seriously, go see it. NOW.

Where The Wild Things Are=Gremlins

In the category of "Damn! I wish I had thought of that!" comes this awesome video, courtesy of Gordon.


Now compare it to this video:


This further proves that adding an Arcade Fire song to anything makes it immediately awesome and heartwarming at the same time.

The same is true if you add Explosions in the Sky to anything, though that somehow makes me want to cry/ tackle someone.

Bradford Pearson's Cultural Thesaurus

Recently, Gothamist reported that NYPD have come to calling hipsters “marshmallows,” because they’re white and soft.

Here are some other terms the boys in blue could throw around:

Your mission: think of a better Halloween costume for me than this

It's pretty simple, really. This photo was me on Halloween last year, and now I need something better (or at least comparable) for this year.

A few rules:

- I will not dress up as a woman.
- I will not dress up as Michael Jackson.
- Combine these two and, you guessed it, I will not dress up as Janet Jackson.

Aside from that, I will be anything/anyone. Go wild, and leave your suggestions in the comments. Oh, and I can grow facial hair pretty quickly, so lumberjack/Salvador Dali costumes are in play.

My Case For: 2 Fast 2 Furious

In writing this week’s “My Case For:,” I realized something: I effing love John Singleton.

For the uninitiated, Singleton directed “Boyz in the Hood,” “Four Brothers,” and “2 Fast 2 Furious,” all movies that I love, including one that I’ve written about on this very site earlier this year. Aside from having black leads, nothing about these movies is remotely similar. And, “Boyz in the Hood” aside, none of Singleton’s films have been particularly well-received. Unfortunately.

Let’s take “2 Fast 2 Furious” as an example. This movie will never win any awards. In 20 years, it will be relegated to garage sales and Five for $10 DVD bins, alongside “Battlefield Earth” and “Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco.” But it’s hella entertaining.

It strips away the overt machismo from Vin Diesel “The Fast and the Furious,” and adds Tyrese using expressions like “hoasis” when describing the plethora of ladies at a night club.

Roman: Man, it's a hoasis in here, breh
Brian O'Connor: Yeah, lots of potential

Out is Michele Rodriguez. In is Eva Mendes. Win.

The important thing is to go into this movie with low expectations. The script is awful, but come on, the allure isn’t words. People get punched in the face, people drag race, people sleep in trailers. It’s kind of like “Mad Max,” except it’s set in Miami, not a post-apocalyptic Australia.

Oh, and for the ladies, there is a gratuitous shot of Tyrese taking his shirt off. The last time I saw this, I would go do pull-ups during the commercial breaks. I am now just as jacked as Tyrese.

P.S.- There are also cars.

Marge Simpson, Playmate of the Year

So, it seems that Marge Simpson is supposed to be in the November issue of Playboy. I, um, well, you see, hmm...what?

If I wanted to see cartoons naked I would've kept being friends with that creepy kid in middle school who looked at wayyyyyyy too much manga and offered to bring me some of his "secret" supply.

Friday Funhouse: Larry David

Larry David, on Hannah Montana. When his agent brought up the idea of appearing on Hannah Montana, I imagine this to be David's reaction:


via Aziz

Freecycle Diaries: Volume Two, Halloween edition

For the uninitiated, Freecycle is an online, worldwide non-profit dedicated to giving away stuff you don't need any more, or finding stuff that others don't need but you want.

I'm a member of a local group, and my apartment is now littered with free items I've received (100 old LPs? You bet I'll take them! A bicycle rack that looks like some sort of Iraqi torture device? Yes, please!).

And for every worthwhile item there are just as many people trying to find the most ridiculous items under the sun.

Each item I post, minus the person's name, is exactly the same as the original e-mail I received. This week we'll focus on Halloween costumes, which make up a large portion of the Freecycle e-mails I've been receiving lately.

Offer: blues clues costume

this is a toddler size 4-6. everything is there except one paw.

If you happen to have a child who simply adores Blues Clues, and is missing a limb, this costume is for you!

Wanted: Adult gorilla/monkey costume

We are looking for any type of monkey themed costume for an adult male. Corneilius from Planet of the Apes would be great! We only need it for Halloween night, so we could even borrow it...

Would the Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious George work? That's certainly monkey-themed. Oh, no? That's right, you would prefer THE MOST SPECIFIC TALKING MONKEY IN THE WORLD.

Offer: boys Narnia costume size 4-6

I only have the top. It has a hood, red, gray and has the Narnia lion on front with a gold belt.

Okay, come on. Don't lure me in with a Narnia costume, then say you only have the top. That's like saying you have a box of Oreos for me, but the cream is licked out.

Wanted: Star Wars costumes

Hello-

All 6 of us (5 humans & a canine) are hoping to be characters from Star Wars this Halloween. If you have any old costumes or accessories that you're no longer using, we'd love to use them & freecycle them next year! We're looking for a couple of adult sizes & some little kid sizes (boy size 6-8, boy 4-6, girl 2-4) and of course a small dog. If you have something bigger or smaller that we could use, I'm kinda crafty & I bet I could make it work.

Of course a small dog! Of course! What was I thinking? I actually have five human Star Wars costumes lying around, but you NEED the one for the dog, so I'll keep my mouth shut.

Wanted: GOTH COSTUME STUFF

I am in a show and looking for a long, straight black wig, black lipstick, black nailpolish, and/or "goth" clothing L-XL.

Basically you have nothing, absolutely nothing, that you need.

For Volume One, go here.

WANTED: the best 100 albums since the year 2000

As the title indicates, I'm looking for the best 100 albums of the past decade.

Starting Dec.7, I'll begin unveiling my favorite albums from the last 10 years, and I need your help. I've started crafting the list, but I'm sure there are albums I've forgotten.

So, in the comments section if you please, let me know what your favorite albums are. They can be as popular or obscure as you want, just make sure they're YOUR favorite. Maybe they're mine, too.

P.S.- Three of the albums shown above will be on my list. Guess which one isn't.

An open letter to David Letterman

David Letterman
c/o Late Show with David Letterman
1697 Broadway
New York, NY 10019


Dear Mr. Letterman,

Hello, Bradford Pearson here. Long-time viewer, first-time “What the hell were you thinking?” letter writer.

I’m not here to scold you, I’m here to lend some advice. Much needed advice.

So you make, what, $30 million a year, right? Close to 4 million people watch you every night, you’ve won six Emmys, and you get the best guests on late night TV. So why…WHY…did you have to sleep with your own staff?

You could’ve walked onto Broadway, waved down any woman on the street, and they would’ve probably had sex with you. Hell, probably a few straight guys would go for it, too.

Now this isn’t to say these women or men are hoes/ man whores. It’s just that, well, you’re famous. Like, super duper famous, and you could have the pick of the litter. But instead you decided to be the old man who asks the 20-something employees what they did over the weekend, all the time knowing the answer was you.

So, Mr. Letterman, I’m going to keep watching your show. I’m going to give you another chance, because everyone deserves one. But next time you get an itching to cheat on your wife, leave the Ed Sullivan Theater. Or, here's a thought: don't.

Truly Yours,

Bradford Pearson

P.S.- Okay, maybe the letter was to scold you a little.

P.P.S.- Maybe you should change your shirt, too. “Freedom to Roam” doesn’t seem like a wise slogan to be sporting right now.

You can find my open letter to Brett Favre here.

My Case For: Fall

Every Labor Day, people get pissed. Not like “oh man I scuffed my new sneakers” pissed, but “HOW COULD SUMMER BE GONE I’M GOING TO BREAK SOMEONE’S FACE” pissed.

The days get shorter and colder, and the tank tops and skirts of summer are replaced by the scarves and down vests of fall. Tans fade and beards grow.

Good.

I mean summer is great and all, but think about all the pressure that comes with it.

Beaches/swimming pools:
In the summer, people are forced to go to the gym (or at least think about it), lest they look bad in a bikini. In the fall, who cares if you go to the gym? No one sees you without your shirt on, and if they do it’s probably in the dark.

Sweating:
In the summer, you have to think about where you’re going, and whether or not you’ll sweat right through your t-shirt. In the fall, maybe you’ll still sweat through your t-shirt, but it will at least be covered with a sweater. Maybe this is just me, because I sweat on a cold day in February.

Mosquitos:
This is pretty simple.

Spring, summer: disgusting
Fall: none

Now this isn’t to say that I dislike spring, summer, and winter. In fact winter gives fall a pretty serious push for the “favorite season” crown. But when you stack all the seasons up against each other, fall seems to always come out on top.

Let’s review.

Spring
-taxes
-people being too cheerful
-those days where it’s 33 degrees and it pours

Summer
-humidity
-murder rate skyrockets
-overcooked hamburgers

Fall
-Oktoberfest beers
-my birthday (Nov. 4, e-mail me for my address to send presents/boxes full of money)
-Thanksgiving

Winter
-those days where it snows for an hour, then pours
-January is Cataract Awareness Month. I know everything about cataracts, so I find this month unnecessary
-the disappointment of the day after the Super Bowl, knowing football season is over

So, there it is. Most people hate fall, but I think I’ve proven pretty scientifically that it’s the best season.

My first foray into podcasts, part deux

So a few weeks ago I sat down for my first podcast interview. Well, interview is a bit of a misnomer. Maybe freewheeling conversation/ two hour ramblefest is more apt. Anyway, you can listen to the first part here, and the second part is below. In it, Ross and I discuss:

-Friday Night Lights
-TGIF

There are many other things we talk about, but the majority of this segment is actually about TGIF. The conversation took an odd turn.

Anyway, enjoy, and you can listen to more of Ross' podcasts here.

Friday Funhouse: Deadskins

As a Jets fan, I could care less about how the Redskins perform on the field. That said, this is hilarious.

I think if I posted anything else right now it would just be white noise, so I'll leave with that.

Mad Men, initial thoughts

So I just started watching Mad Men. First season, on Netflix.

I haven't formed a complete opinion, but I do know one thing: I hope Don Draper turns out to be a ghost/drifter. Don't tell me if I'm wrong, or burst my bubble.

Also, Draper was just reading the Poughkeepsie Journal in an episode. Snap!

On a similarly childish note:

via Aziz