Bradford Pearson

13 Word Review: Make 'Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America

Make 'Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America (2008)
Hosted by Billy Crystal
Narrated by Amy Sedaris

Makes you realize how incestuous comedy is. Also makes you feel very unfunny.

Up next in the Netflix queue: 12 Angry Men

Friday Funhouse: Head Swap, Tanya Morgan, and White Whine

I've sort of gotten away from the original idea of the Friday Funhouse in recent weeks, and I seek to remedy that today.


Jimmy Fallon has (by and large) been a disappointment so far on Late Night, but this sketch from earlier this week was hilarious. Watch the whole thing, because the beginning is deceiving.

This track is from Tanya Morgan's new album "Brooklynati." Like the Fallon sketch above, the name is deceiving, as Tanya Morgan is actually a rap trio. You should immediately rush out and buy this record. HUGE props to my man Marcus for giving me a copy of the album last week.

Plan B - Tanya Morgan

White Whine is the latest in a long list of blogs about white people including Stuff White People Like and, um, others. You should check it out. Props to Steve for turning me on (bow chicka bow wow) to this.

T-minus two weeks until this:

View Larger Map
Zoom out if you can't see the whole route.

Anyway, I mentioned in February that a few friends and I were taking a bit of a road trip this June. Well, June 12 is fast approaching and we still need your help.

We have yet to find places to stay in St. Louis, Memphis and Atlanta. If you know anyone who would be willing to let four very handsome men sleep on their floor for the night on June 17, 18 or 19, respectively, let me know ASAP.

Also, if you have food/entertainment/drinking suggestions for Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis, Atlanta or Charlotte, let me know in the comments. The weirder the better.

And yes, I will be writing about the trip every day, provided I find some wi-fi connection.

UConn vs. USF Dance Off

This video just makes me happy. If you can't watch the whole thing, skip to 1:24 and then watch the rest.

A little background. During a rain delay for a Big East Baseball Tournament game, somehow players from both the University of Connecticut and University of South Florida decide to break the monotony by dancing. Mind you these are Division I college athletes who would probably never be caught dead dancing under usual circumstances.

And they look likes total asses.

Props to Alan for posting this first.

Sonya who? My top five replacements for David Souter

With all this talk about Supreme Court justices, I thought I’d piece together my top 5 replacements for Justice Souter.

Being a political science student in college, I think I’m more than qualified to make these assertions.

5. David Justice

Aside from the obvious—uh, people would call him Justice Justice—dude knows his way around the courtroom. Once had a restraining order against him…by Halle Berry.

Plus he’s half-black. Maybe?

4. Judge Dredd

One man is judge, jury and executioner. I think this one speaks for itself.

3. Jack McCoy


Personal baggage? Check- He was abused by his father, an Irish Chicago cop who had also beat his mother.

Political ideologies? Muddled- Protested the Vietnam War, and the Nixon administration, but believes the death penalty to useful bargaining chip in capital murder trials. (See Season Six, Episode Three, when the death penalty is reinstated in New York.)

Experience? Check- Has worked in the New York County District Attorney’s Office for 15 years, serving as interim District Attorney this past season.

And yes, I watch way too much Law and Order.

2. Judge Joe Brown-

With a penchant for justice and an ability to lock down the midday Nielsen ratings, Judge Joe Brown would make the jump from UPN to C-Span seamlessly.

Plus the federal government wouldn't have to spring for the obligatory Supreme Court Justice headshots (see above).

1. Judge Reinhold-

When Edward Ernest Reinhold, Jr. was bestowed the nickname "Judge" by his father, a single ray of light shone down from the heavens amidst a hailstorm that leveled Wilmington, Delaware.

His father, dumbstruck, said, "And you, my son, shall one day be a Supreme Court Justice. Along the way you will star in The Santa Clause, Gremlins, and Beverly Hills Cop, but your ultimate destiny will be to serve as the 111th justice of the United States Supreme Court."

13 Word Review: Iron Man

Iron Man (2008)
Directed by Jon Favreau
Starring Robert Downey, Jr. and Jeff Bridges

"The Dark Knight"? Best superhero movie ever. "Iron Man"? A damn close second.

Up next in the Netflix queue: Make 'Em Laugh, disc one. Yeah, it's a PBS documentary, so what?

Friday Funhouse: Television news reporters

As a newspaper reporter, I often interact with television news crews. This reporter, however, takes the cake.

Someone must have been really angry to post all of these. Enjoy.











You may know this reporter from his famous "Bug in Mouth" clip, and its assorted remixes.

13 Word Review, Bonus Edition: Doubt

(This was not on my Netflix queue, but I got rented it the other night.)

Doubt (2008)
Directed by John Patrick Shanley
Starring Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams

Four magnificent performances. Made pedophilia tolerable. Wait, that came out wrong. Uh oh.

Still up next in the Netflix queue: Iron Man

Fast food tattoos

Saw the above pick recently on Popeyes' Twitter (don't ask) and it got a co-worker and me thinking: what other fast food restaurant tattoos could people pull off?

- For the neo-Nazi, "American History X" fan we all(?) know:

- For the wayyyyy more sexually adventurous than myself(placed strategically on the lower back, of course):

- For the neighborhood meth dealer:


I could go on all day, but I want to give you a shot. Send me your best ideas for fast food tattoos, and I'll, I don't know, say I like them or something.

UPDATE: So apparently people other than Popeye here get fast food chain tattoos. Scroll through PopHangover to see some.

Squirrels

Okay, so I normally don't get all "goo goo ga ga" over animal videos, but this one has a lot going for it:

1. Helpfulness
2. Intuitiveness
3. A pretty good soundtrack, provided by Chairlift and The Knife.

Plus, I feel kind of lazy today and am out of creativity.

P.S.- K and I saw Chairlift when they opened for Peter, Bjorn and John earlier this month at the 9:30 Club. All of their songs are better than this one, so you should check them out. Word.

My Case For: Going to the circus as an adult

(This is me and Makia, a 35-year-old African elephant. In the background, grinning, is Jorge Barreda. I wanted to put him in my pocket and keep him forever he was so adorable.)

My earliest memory- the actual first memory I can recall- is at the circus. All I remember is that it was dark and there were some animals (some first memory, right?). So when the UniverSoul Circus contacted me earlier this month about attending their circus, I jumped at the chance.

The actual e-mail I sent to them:

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG YES I’LL COME.

So on Saturday night I, along with a few other DC-area bloggers (Budget Fab, District Beat, and DC Mama), headed to the circus. And, after seeing the show, my next e-mail to the circus should still be: OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Alright, but I’m getting ahead of myself a bit. First, some background. UniverSoul is the only African-American owned and operated circus in the United States, and it’s based in Atlanta. And, yes, the show is geared towards African-Americans (think a mix of animals, trapeze artists, a Southern Baptist church, and Rihanna), but, in all honesty, every single person with a heartbeat should enjoy this show.

(Most of the pictures I took came out really terribly, so try and imagine the acts as I describe them below.)

And now, the top five acts at the UniverSoul Circus:

5. West African James Brown- I should’ve said this before, but most of the acts at the circus aren’t from the United States. Most are from China, west Africa and the Caribbean, with a smattering of acts from the rest of the world.

James Brown was one of the foreign acts, hailing from Conakry, Guinea, in west Africa. Six months ago he had never head of James Brown. Now he spends 10 months a year dancing with a gigantic bouffant and glitter jacket.

If I could learn anything this quickly, I imagine I would be a very rich man. But I can’t, so I’m not.

4. China Soul Flyers- Everyone has seen trapeze artists. They fling each other around, twisting and turning, generally looking crazy and like they’re going to die at any second.

Now imagine they don’t have any bars to hang onto, and instead fling each other using only their arms. On Saturday, eight flyers from Shanghai descended on DC, and I determined that these flyers (all under 21) are the strongest children on the face of the earth.

If there was ever another world war (and it wasn’t against China) the U.S. Army would do themselves a favor by hiring the China Soul Flyers as mercenaries. They are like tiny Terminators. Yes, that’s what I will call them.

3. Watch My Feet- The set-up: three women sit on reclining chairs, so their feet dangle over the tops of the chairs. The women are then thrown tables (!) which they juggle with their feet. With. Their. Feet.

Ok, so juggling is kind of a misnomer, since they only “juggle” one table. But the idea is that these women are spinning a table WITH THEIR FEET. Man I wish my camera hadn’t been so awful.

2. Wheel of Death- By far the most-aptly named of all the acts, two gentlemen ( Johan Torres of Dominican Republic and Henry Gonzalez of Colombia) provided the most daring of the entertainment Saturday.

Imagine if you can two hamster wheels, connected by a rectangular girder. Or, just look at the picture below. (This is NOT from UniverSoul.)


You get the idea right? One guy runs in one direction, and the other the same way so the wheel spins.

Well Torres thought it would be a good idea to JUMP ROPE on the outside of the wheel once it reached its peak. Good idea? No. Awesome idea.

This is me with Torres. And, yes, ladies, he was dreamy. And apparently thinks I am number one.

1. Chinese Foot Jugglers- The name of this act doesn’t really do it justice, since it doesn’t mention that the Chinese kids in the act are JUGGLING THEMSELVES.

Yeah, that’s right. Imagine lying on your back with you feet straight up in the air with a tiny Chinese boy sitting on your feet (don’t ask how he got there). This tiny child then proceeds to flip himself over and over and over on your feet, then you fling him to your buddy like, who knows, 20 feet away, and he catches that kid on his shoulders.

Then another kid hops on your feet, and you repeat steps 1, 2, and 3 and fling the kid on top of the other kids shoulders until there is a 25 foot tower of Chinese children on each others shoulders.

And ooo look I found a picture of the kids from UniverSoul! Blowing my mind again.


Ok, so this week’s “My Case For:” took a different path than my usual cases. But I think it was worth it because it proved to me that circuses absolutely aren’t just for children. Well, maybe they are because I’m pretty childish. Whatever.

UniverSoul Circus is at the Capital Plaza Mall until May 31, then moves on to Baltimore for a few days. For those of you outside the DC area, the circus will soon hit Dallas, Chicago, Los Angeles, and a bunch of other cities in between. You should absolutely rush out to buy tickets. Visit UniverSoul Circus for more information.

The circus is in town!

Ok so here's the deal. I got invited a few weeks back to attend the UniverSoul Circus, the only African-American owned and operated circus in the country. So, duh, of course I said yes. I'm going to tonight with a bunch of other bloggers from the DC area.

While I prepare for that, I don't really have much time to write a new entry today. I'll have a full rundown of my circus experience Tuesday (fingers crossed that I black out from fired dough consumption).

But, for now, I want to hear about your circus experiences. Scary? Hilarious? I may even include them in my write-up of UniverSoul, to be read by dozens of avid readers.

Friday Funhouse: Community, Nike, and Tracy

Videos! Videos! Videos!

First, the new Chevy Chase show on NBC! Second, a Nike commercial with puppets! Third, Tracy Morgan out of his mind, but in character (Is there a difference?)!

If you only have a minute, watch the Nike commercial. If, say, you have an entire afternoon to waste, watch them all.






Quick thoughts: Chevy Chase looks hilarious in that show, Nike continues to make the best commercials on television, and Tracy Morgan is crazier than an outhouse rat.

UPDATE: My friend Bill found a new Kobe and LeBron video, and it's just as good as the first one.

13 Word Review: Hot Fuzz

Hot Fuzz (2007)
Directed by Edgar Wright, starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost

Really quite good. But I seriously think England has only five comedic actors.

Up next in the Netflix queue: Iron Man

The (ahem) AWARD-WINNING bradfordpearson.blogspot.com

So yeah, what now bitches? All of these days and nights spent thinking of ridiculously stupid things to write about finally paid off.

When I logged into this very site earlier tonight, I saw a pretty awesome comment in one of my posts directing me to another site where, to my surprise, I was bestowed the Zombie Chicken Award. From Wikipedia:

The Zombie Chicken Award is the most prestigious award given to bloggers in the entire freaking universe. It ranks between the Congressional Medal of Honor and a Grammy Award in Time Magazine's annual "Most Badass Awards Given Out This Year" list (Dec. 2008). (Citation needed)

Oh, and there's also this definition:

"The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken - excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to at least 5 other worthy bloggers. Do not risk the wrath of the zombie chickens by choosing unwisely or not choosing at all…"

2009 version of a chain letter? Maybe. Awesome opportunity to pat myself on the back? Absolutely.

Anyway, the award was given to me by fellow blogger Yellaphant, whose fantastic site you should visit on a daily basis. And now comes the hard part: selecting the five bloggers I wish to bestow this historic award upon.

Traits I look for in a blogger:

1. Irreverence
2. Wit
3. A nice pair of legs

Each one of these sites satisfies at least one of those characteristics:

Albums That I Own- While on this site, be sure to check out his mind-boggling (and successful!) attempt to listen to every one of Rolling Stone's Top 500 albums.

I ain't got but one leg- You like photographs? Try this.

My Blog is an Awesome Blog-Ever wonder who would win in a battle between the McDonald's dipping sauce policy and an R.E.M. music video? Me either until this site.

What Claudia Wore- One for the ladies. Fashion and Babysitter's Club book reviews.

Yellaphant- I know it's dumb to give the award back to the person who awarded it to me (Remember that scene at the end of "Mean Girls" where Cady Heron is all "Everyone deserves to be Spring Fling queen" and breaks up the crown into like a million pieces? I guess this isn't like that at all, but I watched that movie last week and I've been trying to work into a post since. So there.), but who cares? I make the Zombie Chicken rules around here.

So that's that. Now you can tell your friends you waste your time reading an award-winning blog instead of just a non-award-winning blog.

What?! Brian Williams to host indie rock vlog

From the category of "What the eff?" comes this new tidbit: Brian Williams, in addition to being the face of NBC News, will now host an online video blog where he interviews not presidents, foreign dignitaries or CEOs, but bearded men in flannel shirts.

NBC announced today the Williams will now host an online indie rock show entitled "Bri-tunes." The founder of the original Britunes is understandably pissed.

From the desk of Bri (can we call him that now?) Williams:

"Okay, so I didn't name this thing, but I did come up with the idea. I have always loved identifying good music and good groups -- discovering them early (bar bands are best) and following them through their journey. While we'll interview some established musicians, mostly I'd like this to be a place where people can sample some of the great music being created every day, by talented musicians who wouldn't dream of doing anything else."

Brooklyn-based Deer Tick is first up, and it's surprisingly not cringe-worthy. See for yourself:

This was originally reported by Pitchfork. So what do you think? Cool, or totes lame?

My Case For: Four Brothers

On its face, “Four Brothers” should be an awful movie.

It’s a cliché-riddled, violent film that should classified as a dramedy for no reason other than the fact that I laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of most of the dialogue (Example: Camille Mercer: Bobby! You told me you weren't gonna let him get hurt! Bobby: He’s breathin'.). The three lead roles are played by musicians-turned-actors (Mark Wahlberg, Andre Benjamin and Tyrese), and only one of them is halfway decent at the craft. Plus the movie’s tagline- “They came home to bury mom…and her killer”-sounds like it was written by a third grader.

Despite all of these strong reasons to not ever watch this movie again, I find myself watching at least every three months, if not more. Why? It’s hilarious!

Basic plot line: Wahlberg, Andre 3000, Tyrese, and another guy (the FOUR brothers, get it?) return home to Detroit to avenge their mother’s murder. That’s really all you need to know. Complex this film is not, aside from the fact that two of the four brothers are brothas. A quick line (“She was a great foster mother” or something like that) cleared up any confusion.

So, anyway, the usual zany twists take place (A cop on the take! One of the brothers dies! Terrance Howard shows up!) and the movie climaxes in the middle of Lake Saint Clair. No joke.

I think this one scene is the only reason I watch the movie over and over again. So (without giving away too much of the plot, since I know dozens of you have just added this to your Netflix queues) one of the brothers ends up on a frozen Lake St. Clair with a bunch of thugs, and yada yada yada, Mark Wahlberg shows up like John Wayne, after WALKING ACROSS LAKE SAINT CLAIR.

Seriously, if the director of the film didn’t realize the Wahlberg walking on Lake Saint Clair=Jesus walking on water connection, he’s an idiot. Wahlberg, savior of his family. Jesus, savior to mankind. What a powerful scene. Tears flowed.

Oh yeah, and the rest of the movie is pretty awesome and includes a sweet-ass gun fight and some hockey.

Rent it, download it, buy from some guy in Times Square, whatever. It’s worth it.

13 Word Review: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)
Directed by Shane Black, starring Robert Downey, Jr. and Val Kilmer

Entertaining, not memorable. Understand the crime noir satire, but didn't work for me.

Up next in the Netflix queue: Hot Fuzz

Friday Funhouse: G.I. Joe

G.I. JOE trailer in HD

We're putting a halt on the usual Friday Funhouse to bring you a movie that I have been waiting for since I was probably too young to recognize that I should be anticipating movies: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

The only thing that made this better was this:

Beginning July 27, Burger King Corp. enlists G.I. Joe for an elite mission. The G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra promotion features a kids premium program filled with gadgets, action figures and vehicles that offer the ultimate adventure. Each BK(r) Kids Meal will come with one of eight G.I. Joe toys.

I'm gonna bowl over so many kids for those toys it won't be funny. Unless you're me.

So, in the words of one of my favorite television shows of all-time (G.I. Joe, duh): and now you know and knowing is half the battle.

Opens 08/07/09

An objective look at "Parks and Recreation"

Photo courtesy of NBC.com

The second episode of NBC’s new show “Parks and Recreation” opens on a host of children searching valiantly during an annual Easter egg hunt.

Far and wide the children search, looking through bushes and under slides for their colorful prizes, only to discover that the egg-hider Tom Haverford (played by the extremely talented Aziz Ansari) never hid the eggs to begin with.

Despite the fact that the series is only four episodes old, I already feel like those children, digging for laughs when they should be out in the open.

In other words, I’m not wholly impressed.

When NBC announced the show in early 2008, it was dubbed as a spinoff to “The Office,” complete with Amy Poehler, Ansari, and the sexy Rashida Jones.

“Aw, HELL YEAH,” I said to myself. “Gonna be fly!” (Not poetic license; I may have actually used those words, as I was listening to an inordinate amount of Lil’ Wayne/ Cash Money albums at the time)

Then, as a show concept became a show reality (not reality show), the “Parks and Recreation” idea moved to the forefront and I was still all like HELL YEAH.

Then the first episode came and I was disappointed.

I take that back; disappointed is too harsh a word. I laughed a lot during the first episode, I really did, but I think it was based more on the idea of the show than the actual show itself. Let me explain.

I was having a conversation with friend of the site Ross earlier today, and we decided that it’s not Amy Poehler that’s disappointed us, it’s the way the show has been written. I think the writers have pushed Poehler’s Leslie Knope character wayyy too far along the idealist spectrum to the point of unbelievability, and didn’t stick with the formula that won for “The Office.”

The reason “The Office” succeeded was that while Michael Scott was the main character, the best lines were often delivered by the secondary characters. In “Parks and Recreation,” the writers focus too much on Poehler, instead the show’s best characters, Knope’s boss Ron Swanson(played by Nick Offerman) or her crush Mark Brendanawicz (played by Paul Schneider).

Now I’m not ready to give up on this show just yet, but I think the writers need to seriously reconsider how they focus their attention. The show just got picked up for a second season (According to Ansari’s Twitter…word of God as far as I’m concerned), so there is some time to work out the kinks.

Poehler’s too talented to let this show fail, and I hope that the writers recognize that they’ll do her a favor by taking the weight of the show off her shoulders.

Your thoughts?

1st Mix: Side B

This is a review of the first mixtape I ever made. For Side A, click here.

“That Girl” Maxi Priest feat. Shaggy
1996 grade: B
2009 grade: F (are there any lower grades this song can receive?)

I can not believe that I liked this song at any point in my life. I would rather listen to Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” on repeat for a day straight than listen to this song again.

Don’t believe me? Witness the horror:


“1979” The Smashing Pumpkins
1996 grade: A-
2009 grade: B

As an impressionable youth, The Smashing Pumpkins seemed like gods. I mean, come on, they put out TWO ALBUMS IN ONE (Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness)! Bush couldn’t even pull that off!

Gradually my interest in the Pumpkins waned, but this song is still good enough to not turn off if it comes on the radio, at least for nostalgia’s sake.

“Good” Better Than Ezra
1996 grade: A
2009 grade: A

The same trip to Media Play that resulted in “Let Your Dim Light Shine” also bought Better Than Ezra’s “Deluxe” into my burgeoning music archive--doubling my CD collection to four.

Every time I listen to this song I wonder who the hell Ezra was, and what made Better Than Ezra so far superior to him. Was it Ezra Pound, and the band was an allusion to T.S. Eliot? Ezra Cornell, and the band was whoever the hell Harvard was named after?

Many, many sleepless nights in fifth grade over this one. Many.

“A Long December” Counting Crows
1996 grade:A
2009 grade: A-

Wow, after the initial “That Girl” bump in the road, this side of the tape has actually been pretty decent.

I’ll still throw on some Counting Crows every once in a while, this song included.

“#1 Crush” Garbage
1996 grade: B? (How did this get on here?)
2009 grade: F

Garbage, garbage, garbage. How apropos.

In seventh grade I liked a girl who was literally obsessed (fan clubs, posters, probably pillowcases) with Leonardo DiCaprio, and in turn, that “Romeo + Juliet” movie that inexplicably included John Leguizamo. ANYWAY, I think I bought the movie soundtrack (with this song on it) in some attempt to impress her.

It obviously didn’t work, since she recently got married (or divorced, or has some kids or something) and I write a blog about Kool Aid Bursts and fat camp movies.

“Ironic” Alanis Morissette
1996 grade: B+
2009 grade: C

Apparently in 1996 I simply could not get enough of this song.

“Hey, Brad, it’s been, oh, about 35 minutes since you heard ‘Ironic,’ why not throw it on again for old times sake?”

I thought about lowering the grade on this one purely out of principle, but I think that would be cheating. After what Dave Coulier and Ryan Reynolds did to her, Alanis deserves a break.

“Lovefool” The Cardigans
1996 grade: A-
2009 grade: B-

For the back story of how this song came into my possession, simply look at the Garbage post two songs ago.

That being said, this song came hot on the heels of the Ace of Base craze of 1994, so suffice it to say I was pretty much an expert on Swedish dance pop. I spent a lot of time at Rollermagic, where those two bands were on a pretty short playlist that also included TLC’s “Red Light Special” and the Hokey-Pokey.

“Spiderwebs” No Doubt
1996 grade: A+, no doubt
2009 grade: B+

When I received my confirmation in eighth grade, I remember my sponsor (a 60-something man from my church) asked what kind of music I liked, in an attempt to get to know me a little better.

I had a one word answer: “Ska.”

Because, I mean, in 1997 was anything else even worth listening to?

“Mr. Jones” Counting Crows
1996 grade: A-
2009 grade: B+ (I originally put a C, but the beginning of this song is really quite fantastic)

There is nothing I can say about “Mr. Jones” without deferring to my good friend Steven Elwell’s extensive investigative report of the actual Mr. Jones. You can find that here, and his (mildly entertaining) blog here.

“Secret Garden” Bruce Springsteen
1996 grade: B
2009 grade: C

It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, but I think the first Bruce Springsteen song I heard was “Secret Garden.” My parents weren’t too into classic rock, so I grew up on a steady diet of Christian rock and easy listening, void of The Boss.

That said, I don’t even think I recorded this song for Springsteen. Remember how the radio version of this song had clips from “Jerry Maguire” spliced into it? Yeah, it seems like that was probably the main reason I liked this song.

“Lightning Crashes” Live
1996 grade: A+
2009 grade: A+

One of my earliest musical memories (probably one of the clearest musical memories due to other “influences” later in my music listening career), is lying awake in my bed with my ear pressed to the speaker of my clock radio listening to “Lightning Crashes” on the K104 Top Nine at Nine.

I had a 9 p.m. bedtime in later elementary school, but I would always lie awake and listen to the Top Nine at Nine, on the lowest possible volume so I wouldn’t get caught.

And you know what? It was totally worth it because this song still kicks a ton of sweet ass.

“MmmBop” Hanson
1996 grade: B+
2009 grade:C-

Oh snap, hidden track! I was all “Oh here comes the last song on the mix” and then this drops in!

My first thought: this mixtape was made wayyyy too late in my life to include this song.

My second thought: no one would know if I didn’t write about just this one, teeny-tiny song

My third thought: Wait, this is the end of the mix? Shit!

See, on the tape case itself, the last song listed is “The Freshman” by The Verve Pipe. I was all geared up to end this post on a sad, suicide/abortion note, but now I’m forced to come face to face with the fact that had I died in seventh grade, someone would’ve come across this tape and thought “Damn, Brad was a bitch.”

Now, that would’ve been true for many parts of my life then (and now, I suppose), but if they played this mix at my funeral (a stipulation I would demand from heaven/child hell) I can’t imagine a worse send off than this song.

Except, of course, “That Girl.”

Feel free to post any of your embarrassing mix tapes, or how your were considerably cooler than I was from fifth through seventh grades.

1st Mix

So when I was home for Easter a few weeks ago, I stumbled across a mix entitled "1st Mix," which I made somewhere between fifth and seventh grades.

Its date: indeterminate. Its music: embarrassing. Its impact: indelible. Let's explore.

“One Sweet Day” Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men
1996 grade: B+ (I think I thought girls would find me “sensitive”)
2009 grade: C-

The only thing that redeems this song is Boyz II Men. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. I think they were the closest thing I had to idols in elementary school. My brother D had the “II” album, and we would listen to it non-stop, singing as low as we possibly could.

This song spent an unbelievable, record-setting 16 consecutive weeks (Four months!) at the top of the Billboard 100 chart. The song that formerly held the record? “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boyz II Men. They were pretty awesome.

“Gantsa’s Paradise” Coolio featuring LV
1996 grade: A
2009 grade: A (I listened to this song very recently, sitting at my desk at work)

For those grammar buffs out there, yes, that is the exact spelling of the song name on this tape.

And what else can be said that Coolio didn’t already say on the track?

I'm an educated fool with money on my mind
Got my ten in my hand and a gleam in my eye.
I'm a locked out gangsta, set tripping banger
And my homies are down so don't arouse my anger.
Fool

Yep, that pretty much describes Mrs. Mayen’s sixth grade class.

“One of Use” Joan Osborne
1996 grade: A-
2009 grade: B

Again, my elementary grammar/spelling woes come back to bite me in the ass, as the name of the song is “One of Us.”

My lasting memory of this song? Driving to Georgia with my family (from New York) and recreating the entire song, supplanting the word “God” with my brother’s name (Drew) in the line “What if God (Drew) was one of us?” I’m not sure what this says about my brother’s godlike qualities.

I also remember Joan Osbourn being considerably sexier than her voice lets on. But then again I was in sixth grade, so “sexiness” was still a sort of ambiguous term, usually reserved describing whichever girl “became a woman” over the summer.

“Kiss From A Rose” Seal
1996 grade: A+
2009 grade: F

One of the first albums I ever bought with my own money was the Batman Forever soundtrack, complete with this track. This is what 24 year-old Brad would say to 11 year-old Brad upon purchase:

“Why the hell are you wasting your time with this lame Seal track? Look what this album has to offer! Massive Attack! Nick Cave! The Flaming Lips! Jesus, man in four years you’ll love Method Man; why waste time now?”

11 year-old Brad’s response:

“But he’s getting a kiss...from a rose.”

“Waterfalls” TLC
1996 grade: B
2009 grade: D+

I don’t really think I grasped the gravity of this song in fifth grade; the reality of AIDS still escapes me I suppose. POGs seemed to be more important. Rightfully, in hindsight, since this song sucks.

“Ironic” Alanis Morissette
1996 grade: B+
2009 grade: C

You know what’s ironic? When I recorded this song I somehow only got the first line (“An old man, turned 98”) and the last chorus.

Not irony? Well neither is this song, and it screwed up the best song on this whole mix…

“Wonderwall” Oasis
1996 grade: A-
2009 grade: A+

One of the few songs on this mix I have grown to like even more than when I originally added it to this tape.

Sure Liam and Noel Gallagher were douchebags, pure and simple. But they also created at least two pretty timeless albums.

(Today’s best music, 92.7, 96.9 WRRV…)
I obviously forgot I was recording this song, and let it run over a bit. I do have to say, though, WRRV was hands-down better than any radio station in Washington, D.C., and I didn’t realize how spoiled I was until I moved here. Awful, awful radio here.

“Lump” Presidents of the United States of America
1996 grade: B+
2009 grade: B-

I had no idea what this song meant in 1996, and I have no idea what it means now. Nothing witty to say here, other than the fact that this band prompted many kids at Haviland Middle School to write “POT U.S.A.” on their Trapper Keepers.

“Peaches” Presidents of the United States of America
1996 grade: B
2009 grade: B

I did not enjoy peaches as a child. I believe this song helped overcome that phobia. I am forever in debt to POT U.S.A. (ha!) for that.

“Misery” Soul Asylum
1996 grade: A-
2009 grade: B+

One of the first CDs I ever owned was Soul Asylum’s “Let Your Dim Light Shine.”

Within a week of bringing it home, my parents confiscated it and proceeded to read through the lyrics, presumably in search of sex, drugs and rock and roll. I remember they found something about Siamese twins, I believe. I was allowed to keep the CD.

“Mission: Impossible” Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen
1996 grade: A
2009 grade: C
At this point in the mix, more hints are beginning to emerge regarding the date this tape was made. Before this song starts, some (totally lame) DJ from K104 says:

“Oh man what a huge movie in 1996, Mission:Impossible. Here at number 76, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen, with the movie’s theme song on the K104 Top 100 Countdown.”

Sooo, it must be Dec. 31, 1996, the climax to a year littered with poor deodorant choices, not making the middle school soccer team, and pretending I knew what Korn was so I could write it on my notebook.

Oh and this song is really quite bad.

“Closer to Free” BoDeans
1996 grade: B+
2009 grade: a surprising B-
I thought I would hate this song much more than I actually do, but it has a pretty decent hook.

And I know this song was on the radio, but I think it was also the theme song from “Party of Five.” Does that ring any bells?

Tomorrow we’ll look at Side B, or as I like to put it, “seventh grade.” It seems like ska and the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack may play a large role in the remainder of this mix.

My Case For: Perfect Strangers

For those (LUNATICS) who don’t know what “Perfect Strangers” is, here’s what Wikipedia has to say:

Perfect Strangers is an American sitcom that ran for eight seasons from 1986 through 1993 on ABC. It chronicles the rocky coexistence of Larry Appleton (Mark Linn-Baker) and his distant cousin Balki Bartokomous (Bronson Pinchot).

And after writing about Bronson Pinchot on Friday, I started thinking about the profound impact “Perfect Strangers” and its characters have had on my life.

Whether in romance, profession or culture, this seemingly innocuous show has guided nearly every decision I have made since age 8. Seriously, take a look:

Cousin Larry’s profession: newspaper reporter
Working his way up from the mailroom, Larry Appleton eventually forms an investigative team at the Chicago Chronicle, brings down a Los Angeles mob, and becomes an editorial writer. In five seasons.

I have done none of those things, but I am a newspaper reporter.

Larry and Balki’s “type”: Blonde women
For seven seasons the sexual tension between Larry, Balki and their two blonde neighbors, Mary Anne and Jennifer, was palpable. Sure they would all play coy and try to remain professional, but by season seven all bets were off; Larry and Jennifer were married, and Balki and Mary Anne moved in with them.

For the past three and a half years, I have dated (you guessed it) a BLONDE WOMAN. Thank you Larry and Balki. As soon as I saw my girlfriend the first time, I performed your patented “Dance of Joy.”

Balki’s ambiguous nationality= my penchant for Greek food
For as long as I can remember, I have loved food from Greece: gyros, baklava, actual grease.

Balki’s home country, Mypos, seems to be a thinly-veiled version of Greece. As a seven year old, I once tried to practice Greek Orthodox Easter, in honor of Balki. This may or may not be true.

The way Balki enters a building= revolving doors
This one is kind of cheap, since every one loves revolving doors. But remember that opening sequence? Where Balki’s naiveté leads him to continually circle the revolving door? It’s like looking in a mirror. (Fast forward to :47 to see)


Random facts:
- When in syndication, “Perfect Strangers” formed a power block on WPIX-NY that included “Silver Spoons,” “Diff'rent Strokes,” and “Baywatch.” Due to the timing of said power block, I was only able to watch it on snow days. I still count those moments as some of my greatest between second and fourth grades.
- Mark Linn Baker now leaves about 20 minutes from my parent’s house in New York, and they have seen him before in the hardware store. I doubt the veracity of their comments however, because I imagine Baker lives in a golden palace with a harem of women, somewhere outside Riyadh.
- I often read the lyrics of the show’s theme song for inspiration:

Sometimes the world looks perfect
Nothin' to rearrange
Sometimes you just
Get a feelin' like you need some kind of change
Standin' tall
On the wings of my dream
Rise and fall
On the wings of my dream
Rain and thunder, the wind and haze
I'm bound for better days
It's my life
It's my dream
Nothin's gonna stop me now.

It's better than anything that Coleridge or Eliot wrote, that's for damn sure.

-“Perfect Strangers” led to the spinoff “Family Matters.” I watched “Family Matters” the other day. It will never make an appearance in this segment.

13 Word Review: Being There

Being There (1979)
Directed by Hal Ashby, starring Peter Sellers and Shirley MacLaine

Uncomfortable to watch at points, but fantastic. Strange ending: Peter Sellers as Jesus?

Up next in the Netflix queue: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Friday Funhouse: Contest results, Bronson Pinchot, and Perfect Strangers

Watching the Chicago Bulls (somehow) beat the Boston Celtics last night, I couldn't help but notice Bulls coach Vinny Del Negro's striking similarity to a B-List sitcom star. At first I thought Scott Baio. That wasn't it.

After stumbling around the Internet for a bit, I found Bronson Pinchot, or Balki Bartokomous from "Perfect Strangers." What do you think? Twins? Or just southern European men with pointy chins?

And what good would this site be if I dropped Balki Bartokomous into a conversation without talking about how AWESOME "Perfect Strangers" was?

Wait, I'm going to save that. Come back Monday for more, but here's the show intro, which should raise your spirits on this rainy day:



And do you want contest results? Huh? For those of you who missed yesterday's contest, here's the photo:

The idea was to name each "We Are The World" artist, and add a caption. Well, no one decided to enter the caption contest, but a surprising amount of people e-mailed me and named the artists.

And, the winner is: Kristy, with an astonishing 28/30 correct. She even gave three bonus answers to people I didn't even ask for.

So here are the correct answers, basically just copy and pasted from Kristy's entry:

1. Paul Simon
2. Kim Carnes
3. Michael Jackson
4. Diana Ross
5. Stevie Wonder
6. Quincy Jones
7. Smokey Robinson
8. Ray Charles
9. Randy Jackson
10. Latoya Jackson
11. Bette Midler
12. Tito Jackson
13. Jackie Jackson
14. One of the Pointer Sisters
15. Bob Dylan
16. Bruce Springsteen
17. Cindy Lauper
18. Billy Joel
19. Tina Turner
20. Daryl Hall
21. Willie Nelson
22. Kenny Rogers
23. John Oates
24. Huey Lewis
25. Bob Geldof
26. Harry Belafonte
27. Dan Ackroyd
28. Kenny Loggins
29. Steve Perry (Journey)
30. Lionel Richie

Congrats to all who entered, though you were clearly less superior than Kristy. Her knowledge astounds me.