Bradford Pearson

Al-Qaeda members saddened by recent assignment

Fresno, Calif.- Members of the international Islamist terrorist group Al-Qaeda are reportedly “super pissed” that they were recruited for the sole purpose of lacing Californian pistachios with salmonella.

Two members of the group—who requested anonymity due to fears for their safety—said after their basic training in Pakistan they were shipped to California with specific orders: hit America where it hurts.

Once in the U.S., they were told more specifics of the plot.

“Some men, they die in September 11 attacks,” said one of the men. “Us? We are left with poisoning the nation’s pistachios. It’s a real slap in the face.”

The two men went on to say that the Al-Qaeda members responsible for last winter’s salmonella outbreak in peanuts were true heroes.

“I mean peanuts, they at least have a butter,” one of the men said. “But pistachios? Nothing. No butter, no brittle. Have you ever heard of pistachio butter cups? No.”

The two men were hired by Berra Tella Inc., the nation’s second-largest pistachio producer, in January, company records indicate. Once employed, the two men snuck vials of salmonella into the factory and poured the liquid over the roasted nuts, they said.

Vials of salmonella are not readily available in the United States, though they are commonplace in the Pakistani streets of Karachi, Lahore, and Islamabad, the two men said.

According to the Food and Drug Administration, 2 million pounds of pistachios were recalled yesterday due to salmonella fears.

When asked by a reporter whether they believed they succeeded in their mission, the two men hung their heads.

“That’s not the point,” one man said. “Sure, we brought the western pistachio industry to its knees, but for what? I have a PhD in engineering! My skills could be better utilized.”

“He has a PhD, damn it,” the other man said, hanging his head. “Worst jihad ever.”

Note: This is NOT TRUE. This is an absolute satire. Please don't arrest me.

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Posted by Bradford Pearson at 4:18 PM