If you have a TV, you’ve seen the commercials for Subway’s $5 foot-long. The song has undoubtedly gotten stuck in your head, prompting you to sing it in the shower or stare, shell-shocked, at a karaoke DJ when he doesn’t have “That $5 foot-long song” on that tiny TV he lugs around with him.
Well, it seems there’s another horse in town. Not content to let Subway dominate the $5 and under sandwich market, Quiznos is now offering their $4 Toasty Torpedo. Not quite the ring of $5 foot-long, but I’m sure they’ll come up with something soon enough.
The catch, though, is that the sandwich is both cheaper and (here’s the kicker) AN INCH LONGER. That’s right folks, if 12 inches of processed, water-added, boiled-down-to-muck roast beef and a slathering of “au jus” just isn’t enough to satisfy your midday hunger pains, stumble over to Quiznos, where they’ll be sure to give you that little bit extra to get you through your day.
Seriously, though, I imagine the madness ending something like this (use movie trailer voice-over voice when reading this section):
In a galaxy far, far away, Jared from Subway will meet, in an epic death match, those little singing Quiznos rat/hamster hybrids. Jared’s weapon of choice? A 12-inch sub roll. The rats? A 13-inch sub roll. May the best deal win...THE WORLD.
Or, they could both undersell each other to the point where each sub will be, like, a dollar and the two companies will go out of business. I like the first scenario better.