Wheel of Fortune: Horseman of the Apocalypse?

I usually reserve the “Horseman of the Apocalypse” segment for actual human beings, like Billy Ray Cyrus or Andy Dick. But I dislike this show with such a passion that is deserves this.

1975: Merv Griffin introduces “Wheel of Fortune” to the American public, via daytime television. The American unemployment rate skyrockets to 9.2%, after couch potatoes become incredibly depressed by the show and stop applying for jobs.

Later 1975: Wheel of Fortune the board game is released. It is subsequently named “Worst Board Game of the Millennium (even though it’s only 1975)” by the Board Game Association of America.

September 19, 1983: Wheel of Fortune moves to primetime.

September 19, 1983: Pat Sajak’s gigantic head becomes the host of Wheel of Fortune. Sony immediately begins researching widescreen technology to accommodate Sajak’s hair.

1989: Wheel of Fortune moves from Burbank, California, to the Fairfax District in Los Angeles. Property values in the Fairfax District plummet, and the show’s arrival is cited as a contributing factor in the rising tension between the Bloods and the Crips.

October 14, 2008: Michelle Loewenstein becomes the first and only contestant to win the $1 million bonus prize. Sajak cries himself to sleep.

November 11, 2009: Bradford Pearson destroys a rowhouse in Baltimore after forgetting that Wheel of Fortune was on after Jeopardy, accidentally leaving the television on. Vanna White’s botoxed face burns into the plasma screen, sending Pearson into a rage.

Veterans Day

No quips or puns. Just a thank you.

Sammy Sosa, then and now

By now I'm sure a lot of you have seen this photo of Sammy Sosa, taken last week. Super pale, right?

A few notes:

1.) Beyond the obvious, there is one thing that jumps out about this photo: Sammy Sosa is wearing a leather blazer. This guy makes tens of millions of dollars over the course of his career, and he can't hire a stylist? He reminds me of one of those goth kids in high school, sans Slipknot t-shirt.

2.) In a New York Daily News article about the photo, one of Sosa's friends claimed,

"He is going through a rejuvenation process for his skin...he was surprised he came out looking so white."

White? Try translucent. And what was the "rejuvenation" with, steel wool?

3.) Remember in Mission: Impossible II, when Dr. Nekhorvich injects himself with the chimera virus? And turns that ghastly shade of white? Yeah it's like that.

My Case For: corned beef hash

Step one: smash meat into a paste.

Step two: mix meat with tiny cubes of potatoes.

Step three: slather mixture on a hot griddle.

Step four: plate.

Step five: eat your pile of crispy mush while others ask what the hell it is.

Such is the life of corned beef hash. Ridiculed as a lesser breakfast meat, corned beef hash gets lumped in with scrapple and pork roll as a “try and you’ll like it” menu choice.

And, to be fair, it’s much better than either of those. Any diner worth its sea salt has it on the menu, and if it doesn’t, get the hell out.

Hash’s appeal is difficult to explain. It looks like baby food, and often gets lost among “bacon” and “sausage” as food that “normal” Americans eat at diners. But, in a few words, it’s salty, savory, sweet, and crispy, all in one. It’s kind of like if you used glazed donuts as a bun for a cheeseburger. (Just go with it)

So next time Flo the 62-year-old, too-much-eyeliner-wearing waitress at your local diner asks “What kind of meat you want with those eggs?”, avoid the obvious pornographic implications of that sentence and simply say, “I’ll have the hash.”

Alex Rodriguez and Vanessa Williams: Twins!

It's pretty simple: Alex Rodriguez looks just like Vanessa Williams.





(Insert own Red Sox/Phillies-related comment here.)